FEAR BASED LIVING AND HOW I ESCAPED INTO SOBRIETY

As a recovering alcoholic and addict, I try to slow my life down to one day at a time.

Every morning I remind myself of the life I led before I got sober and the life I live today. Before I got sober, I lived in constant fear. I was afraid of the truth.

I was afraid of someone learning about the things I have done. I was afraid of not being the life of the party. I was afraid that the people at work would find out my secrets. I like the expression “fear-based living” to describe this life.

Yet, even with all of the fear that surrounded me, I always thought I still had options in life. I worked on Wall Street so money was not my problem. I thought that I could eventually find the right woman to marry and that would force me into a better life. I thought that once I bought a home, I would clean up my act. I thought that once I got promoted at work, I would have no choice but to focus and avoid all those bad habits. I convinced myself I still had options.

That is until I did all of those things, and nothing changed. I only had to tell more lies to keep the charade going. I had to take more drugs to get me through that fear. I became more and more ashamed of connecting with anyone on a personal level, because I was more and more ashamed of myself.

I got divorced, I almost saw my house go to foreclosure and I had to move to find a new job. It was at this point, one night in Santa Monica, when I was coming home at 1am on a weeknight, to have to then get up at 3am to go into work, that I finally realized I was out of options.

There was nothing I could do to get myself out of this perpetual cycle of fear, drug and alcohol abuse, and shame.

What is the option when one is out of options? I didn’t know. But I knew I needed help.

I decided to go against everything I stood for and admitted I was powerless.

I was scared out of my mind to go into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.

What if someone saw me? What if it is some kind of cult? What if I had to talk to other people? But then another thought occurred to me.

I had concluded I had no options. What did I have to lose at this point by trying this? It took everything I had to walk up the stairs into the church where I had found a meeting.

I had a feeling in my gut like one gets before encountering any fear. I kept telling myself I have no other option until I found a seat in the back of the room.

That was Mar 23, 2013. I have not had a drink or a drug since.

The most important thing about overcoming my initial fears was to continue to compare it to the fear I had been living with for years.

I told myself: “Yes, this is terrifying. But, living the life I had been living was more terrifying.” I asked myself: “How am I ever going to have fun again if I cannot drink or do drugs?” I kept a few images in my mind, to answer that question, of nights gone very wrong and I could respond: “How are you going to ever have fun again if you are dead?”

My perceived difficulty in having any kind of life in sobriety was less scary than what I perceived as sure death if I didn’t get sober. Every time I started to think about how terrible sobriety was going to be, I compared it to certain death. And then, sobriety started to get a little less terrible. I found myself telling people the truth. I found myself being better at my job. I found myself enjoying the day instead of the night. And with each passing day, sobriety got a little easier. Whenever I think about my old life, I remind myself of those bad nights. I have gratitude I don’t ever have to live them again.

A leap of faith is required to conquer almost any fear. When it comes to getting clean and sober, the leap of faith is that there is a better life out there. When we are in the depths of our disease we can convince ourselves there is no way out.

A leap of faith can come in many forms. For me, it was the belief that, if I stayed sober today, I had an option again. And, as I had gotten to the point where I was out of options, I needed to believe to convince me sobriety was worth it. I talked to other people who were sober and asked them if it was worth it. I started to hear more and more about stories like mine and how people did find new lives with many more options once they got sober. I decided that whatever the fears, sobriety was worth facing them.

The difference now is that I have options to confront those fears. I have people in my life that want the best for me. I have true friends who I can identify with and rely on. I can wake up and I have the option of being a decent human being, and that has made all the difference.

Related posts:

Nel luogo in cui vivo il locale dei rifiuti si trova in un luogo molto poetico. Ad una decina di metri dal cancelletto che versa sulla strada si trova a poca distanza dalle rive del lago. Questa…

The fifth dimension is a higher frequency of love, light, peace, compassion, and that which is centered on spirit. It is a zen state of being where you are in a peaceful, tranquil state, and you are…

I seem to be on the mend now from my COVID-19 exposure, so I thought it prudent to share my medicinal cocktail that was most effective at reducing symptoms: I came down with symptoms on Jan 4 and…