What is success after all?

My alarm went off at 4 am. It was quite humid in the room I was sleeping in on the small boat, despite the air-conditioner working to its maximum. I rolled over from the top bunker bed and quickly turned off the alarm on my phone, careful not to wake the other girls sleeping in the room. I came down my bunker, balancing my feet on the rocking floor of the boat, grabbed my toilet bag and slid out through the narrow wooden door of our room. As I came out of the air-conditioned room, the smell of the Indonesian ocean reminded me where I was. After making wudhu, I came out to the deck to find an incredible breakfast already laid out for me. I felt blessed. The Christian crew of my boat tour was up at 4 am to prepare Suhur for me on this 4th day of Ramadan — they really didn’t have to do this, I thought in my head, out of guilt for being an inconvenience to them. I greeted them and offered them to join me. They smiled their big smiles at me and asked me to enjoy. I’ll miss this sweet Indonesian hospitality, I thought in my head and smiled back at them. It was a beautiful night. The moon was full and the night was lit everywhere I looked. This is the first time I see the sky this clear, I thought to myself. After finishing my Suhur, I grabbed my prayer mat and went up to the top deck. I was about to cross off an eagerly awaited experience on my bucket list.

I say Allah-u-akbar and begin offering my fajr salah on a boat gently rocking. I’m somewhere in the middle of the Indonesian ocean, under the clearest sky I have ever witnessed in my life. This is the first time I truly appreciate the vastness of the sky, knowing there is more to it than what my eyes can see. The sky is full of stars and the moon is bright enough that you don’t need a flashlight. There is not a single soul around us. The beauty of the sky is magnified by the ocean — as it carries all of its stars on its face. The sky and this ocean, always together, never alone.

After finishing my salah, I sat down to do tasbeeh. As I turned the beads on my tasbeeh, rocking gently with the waves of the ocean and looking up at the stars, I experienced something surreal. I felt I had become one with the universe in doing dhikr of Allah — remembrance of God. I kept staring at the ocean. I was amazed at its depth, at its vastness, at its mercy for holding us afloat. Looking at the ocean, I saw the moon moving to the rhythm of its waves, the soft ocean breeze bringing me the smell of the ocean. I realized something profound in that moment. As I looked around me, I saw water for as far as I could see and the sky stretching everywhere above it. This vastness was but a grain of what exists in Allah’s universe. The intricate and complex interaction between everything in my surrounding was strictly obeying the liberties it had been granted by our Creator. Not a wave stronger, nor weaker, not a level higher, nor lower, not any faster, nor slower. Everything bowed down to the will of God. This vast Indonesian ocean and the sky above it, the stars bringing me light from years I cannot comprehend in my meagre and limited mind, were obediently submitting to the will of its Creator. This submission was complete, absolute, to the last decimal point, if there is such a mathematical equation.

And then there is myself, I thought, questioning everything every moment of my life.

This moment is special for me, tucked away in that permanent chamber of my memory. I access it from time to time. It is one of the most intimate moments I have ever shared with Allah swt. That night I was in a state of sheer gratitude. I had much to be grateful for. The biggest of all, the humility and acceptance it had poured in my heart.

*

Now why was I on this boat in the middle of the Indonesian ocean, in the beginning of Ramadan 2018, miles away from my home in Canada?

I was obeying my heart in its search for truth.

This journey looks very different for all of us. Some of us spend an entire lifetime ignoring that constant yearning in our hearts. Perhaps, it is the biggest crime we commit in our lives, not paying attention to our hearts. But I understand. It is scary to listen, when it is much easier to ignore and keep going. After all, we live in a time where there is noise everywhere around us. I too was drowning in this noise, before Allah swt put a special pain in my heart. This pain was my heart’s yearning that was left ignored for far too long, to a point that my heart started screaming to be heard. I’m deeply grateful for this pain. But before this blessing, the noise in my life comprised of a successful, high paying job in the oil and gas industry and living an extremely comfortable life. Although I had a lot of financial security, I spent about eighty percent of my day working towards a fat pay check and climbing up the corporate ladder. Did any of this buy me happiness?

No, it did not.

In fact, I complained about life every single night when I came home from work and ate my dinner at the sink. I was spent, wasting my life working extremely hard towards something I did not care about.

Then one day I took a deep breath and walked away. I walked away when the economy was bad and unemployment soaring. I walked away when everyone advised me to hold on to stability. I walked away from that life of complacency, comfort and routine, and decided instead to dabble into the world of ambition, risk and the unknown. And so, I quit my job, went back to school for graduate studies in a field I’m actually passionate about — i.e., clean tech and sustainable energy development. I started making art and sold it to help non-profits in the field of sustainability — also something I’m actually passionate about. Then I decided to go to Indonesia to volunteer for a Canadian non-profit that provides sustainable livelihoods to the unemployed Indonesian youth. This volunteering experience taught me many things, the biggest being humility and acceptance of everything God puts in our way. It taught me to trust Allah swt no matter what — a trust that is complete and absolute, to the last decimal point.

Some of us have to go across oceans to realize what we are looking for has always been right here, within our hands. It is just a matter of perspective. We often become slaves to a life we don’t want to live. We measure our success in terms of the figure on our pay check or the title of our position. However, I realized true success is a constant state of contentment in our lives. It has nothing to do with the figure on your pay check or the title you carry in the society. Whereas, this contentment is found in the complete submission to Allah’s will. Only when we in acknowledge the smallness of our existence and the greatness of our Creator, can we truly trust His wisdom and submit to His design.

Once I found my peace, happiness came running at me because I realized that life can only be made meaningful by delivering ease to humanity. I’m extremely grateful to God for allowing me this realization.

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