This time feels different

This time feels like the end of something at least for a few months. Maybe forever though. I am processing this in a much different way, one where I’m not necessarily sad but relieved. Maybe I’ve had some of that relief with the breakups along the way but this time it is the all encompassing emotion.

I feel relief because I know that I can’t keep doing this and this time gives me enough impetus to stop. The yo yo-ing is doing major damage to my nervous system. I don’t have the energy for it anymore.

I also realize that maybe I’ve either done too much damage to Ryan for him to ever fully trust me or forgive me. Unintentional damage, damage that was caused because I was looking out for myself. Damage that needed to happen.

But there is also a possibility that Ryan just isn’t capable of a relationship in the state he is in. Which is a very real possibility. And maybe it’s both of the above, in equal measure or unequal.

Either way, I know time off for him to process and me to further build strength and process is essential. There is no benefit to continuing to see him.

I know I have to think about a lot of stuff, thoughts that come up only once there is a long break and the time to feel and process is allowed.

For some reason I just can never picture living with him, well with his kids, and that is a major issue for me. I don’t understand what that is. Why it feels so completely threatening to me. I have to figure that out or maybe I don’t. Maybe it will never come up again. Maybe the best thing is for Ryan to find someone else and for me to find someoene else. Who knows. But I trust that whatever happens is the best thing. I don’t need to influence or control anything. I just need to focus on being me and feeling calm. That is my sole goal.

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