Honoring the Journey

The destination is only part of your story.

Over the past few months, I have had the beautiful, yet surreal experience of several close friends telling me how brave and strong I am, and that I have inspired them in their own lives. How can they see me so differently than I see myself? The last several years have been extremely difficult, and from my point of view, I’ve barely been surviving. I feel like I’ve just been treading just to keep my head above the muddy waters in a vast wasteland of despair. My life is a mess. I’m a mess. Who are they talking about?

I have changed so much over the last 20 years. I am a very introspective person by nature. I am curious and am continually learning. I strive to be honest with myself about who I am and what my faults are, so I can keep working to be a better version of myself. Unfortunately, that view means that I tend to focus on what’s wrong with me.

I came to the realization recently that, if I were to tell you my history, I would simply list a series of traumas. A childhood filled with physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. My father abandoned his five children, leaving us in poverty. At 19 I found myself alone and pregnant with twins, who I chose to place for adoption for a better life. These are the things that shaped the person I became in my 20s.

At 25, after some painful relationships, I met and married the love of my life. A man who loved and supported me and helped me grow. With his help, I began to tackle the traumas of my past. For the past 20 years, the safe place we created together has allowed me to work on hard things and improve myself. I have become more independent, trusting, adventurous, and brave. But it has always felt somewhat tenuous. Like I’ve been pretending to be these things, while the nagging feeling of being an imposter lingered in the back of my mind.

I have battled depression all my life. It’s a silent, hidden enemy. For many years I kept it at bay. But it’s always hiding in the background waiting to emerge. Two years ago, a series of stressful events wore me down and I…

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