Are Nasal Strips a Gateway Drug?

Or is my father off his rocker

When I told my father I use nasal strips at night, he was worried that it could lead to more serious drugs.

“Dad, nasal strips are not drugs,” I said.

“I’m not sure about that, but I do know that using nasal strips isn’t natural, and if God intended us to use them, they’d already be attached to our nose.”

I looked at my dad as if he were from another planet.

After a while, the nasal strips didn’t stop me from snoring, and I disturbed my wife at night. I could feel her punching my back, and saying “Mark, you’re snoring again. Please roll over.”

Then I would wake up, turn over but couldn’t fall asleep.

“I’m wearing a nasal strip?” I told my wife after she woke me up for the third time.

“Well, it’s not good enough. Your snoring sounds like a runaway freight train. Why don’t you wear two nasal strips and see what happens?”

I tried two, but that didn’t work. And I propped three king-sized pillows under my head, slept on my right side, and curled up into a tight ball — but the snoring only got worse.

“Now, you sound like a wild boar,” said my wife, sticking her fingers in her ears.

It got so bad that I was only sleeping four hours a night and had raccoon eyes when I woke.

“Either you get that snoring under control, or you’re sleeping in the guest room,” my wife warned.

I didn’t want to call her bluff, so I made an appointment with the doctor, who promptly signed me up for a sleep study.

“Yes,” he said, looking at the results, “just as I suspected. You have sleep apnea. You stop breathing about ten times per hour. That’s why you wake up with a loud pig snort, trying to catch your breath.”

“How can I fix it, doctor? I’m desperate. My wife can’t take it anymore.”

“Calm down,” he said. “There’s a device called a CPAP that can work wonders.”

“CPAP? Is that the mask that goes around your face like the one Hannibal Lecter wore?”

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